Say what you need to say
by Nightingale63
Summary: Spoilers for early season 6, episode 2. Kurt wasn't expecting what happened at Scandals, but he's not ready to give up. Getting Blaine to listen to him may be harder than he thought it would be, however. Rated T (or, if you prefer, T ) for language. Discussion of mental illness.


**A/N: I don't own Glee, or any of its characters. Set after 6.02, when a conversation that needed to happen finally did.**

Kurt noticed the phone vibrating in his pocket, and he looked over at Rachel as the twins walked into the choir room, followed by Jane. Reaching for it without thinking, he couldn't suppress the wish. That Blaine would call him. Or leave silly texts. Or even, he admitted, mildly annoyed ones, like back in Bushwick, when he'd used up the last of the milk (again), and would he please bring some home on the way back. He wasn't over the debacle that had been their meet up at Scandals at all. He felt like maybe he never would be. He grabbed his phone, rushed into the hallway (half bumping into Roderick), and answered without looking at who the caller was.

"Kurt."

He took the phone away from his ear to peer at the caller ID. Strange. Not the Anderson he'd been expecting. And he hadn't recognized the voice at first, but Cooper Anderson's sharp tone had been unmistakable.

"Cooper?"

"Kurt," this time the tone was softer, "can you talk right now?"

He scanned the hallway as it rapidly cleared of students. "Yes. Yes, I can. Oh God, is there anything wrong with -"

He was stopped short by the exasperated-sounding exhalation. Cooper paused before answering.

"Kurt. Look, I like you and all, but … listen. I'm asking you to leave him alone."

Kurt stared at his phone and fought back tears. Swallowing and closing his eyes, trying to steady his voice, he pleaded. "Cooper. Please. I get it, I know I hurt him -"

"_Do you_?"

God, he and his brother were different, he marveled for the millionth time. For one thing, Blaine didn't interrupt all the time. And yet could be so much the same; Cooper's icy tone was eerily similar to Blaine's, when he was angry.

"Of course I know I hurt him! What kind of a question is that?" His voice echoed shrilly in the empty hall.

He heard the sigh again.

"Kurt, just please, back off. He was a fucking mess when I talked to him -"

"When? Did he tell you what we talked about?" Kurt shook his head. Geez, that was stupid. Clearly, he had.

"Look. He just can't go down that road again. He barely survived the last time..."

Kurt pulled his phone away from his ear, subconsciously, before putting it back. "There won't be another time. I've learned my lesson, Cooper. I know I was wrong, and I don't know how it got to that, I never meant to break off the engagement, it was just that everything was going so fast and we weren't communicating right at all and then things just got worse -"

"Look, Kurt, I'm gonna stop you right there. I've heard enough of Blaine's side to get the picture. This isn't news to me." Kurt was struck by how businesslike Cooper's tone was now. "_Don't_. Let him move on. Please."

"With Karofsky?" Kurt snorted.

"You think I don't know who he is? You have _no idea _how much I've been talking to my baby brother since you broke up with him! Yes, with _Dave_, and dammit, he's _good_ for him. Blaine was just starting to sound like himself and then, _bam_! Kurt's in town, fucking with his head." The ice crept back into Cooper's voice. "Go back to leaving him alone."

"What do they even have in common? Have you even _seen_ this guy?" Kurt stared down the hallway, all necessity of holding back tears gone, replaced by fury.

"You'd be surprised how much I know him, and yes, I've _seen_ him, whatever that's supposed to mean." Kurt heard Cooper clear his thought noisily, and the voice on the other end of the phone dropped to a lower register and softened. "I don't want to say too much, but, seriously, they have more in common than you might think. He's good for him, partly because of that." Kurt waited as the phone went silent for several awkward moments. "I wish you well, Kurt, but if you care about him, please, let him go."

"I can't," Kurt whispered. "I love him. I never stopped loving him. Not now, not … back then. I can't."

"Think about it. I'll talk to you again, soon. I'm gonna go now."

"But I just don't understand," Kurt protested.

"Kurt. _Think_. What might be the biggest thing they have in common." He heard Cooper sigh again. "Look, you're going to be able to move on But," he paused a moment, "he can't take this, over and over. He can't. Take care, Kurt."

Kurt stared at the phone. Cooper had hung up; his voice sounded kind at the end, but he hadn't waited for Kurt to say goodbye. He slumped to the floor, folding in on himself. Shit. _I am in hell_. Actual, fucking hell. A place I don't even believe in, he thought. Well, maybe there's something to it after all. How ironic. Here I am, slumped to the ground against a wall of lockers, back in this place, my heart feeling like it's dying...

He didn't know how much time passed while he sat there when it occurred to him. _Goddammit_. _This_ was how Blaine felt, he imagined, for almost all of his senior year. _Shit._ No wonder Cooper said what he did. He closed his eyes as tears were starting to threaten again. But he'd told the truth. He got it; he'd screwed up, and never wanted to do that again. The ache he was feeling, knowing that Blaine called his brother, fessing up everything, and hadn't talked to him at all.

"Kurt?"

He looked up as Rachel peered down at him, her brows furrowed. She reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Kurt? Come on," she pulled on his hand now, nudging him to get up.

He unfolded his body and rose, and drank in the hug she immediately cloaked him in, his arms going around her body. He noticed that she gently swayed, rocking, patting his back, and thought absently that she'd be a good mom someday, hearing her whispered shushing noises. It felt good. It was a reminder of how he'd often held her, after Finn died, and she had just cried, no need for words. But this was different. He hadn't given up hope, and he wasn't about to quit fighting.

"Babe?" Rachel stepped back, looking up at him and reaching up to hold his chin in her hand.

"Thanks, honey. I love you, you know." He smiled weakly.

"I know you do." She smiled back. "You wanna come do a duet with me? Show 'em how it's done?"

He chuckled. Rachel Berry would never stop believing in the power of duets. This was a fact. He gave her arm a squeeze. "Wicked?"

She beamed back at him. "You got it. Defying Gravity?"

"Not today." He let out a gentle snort. "I was thinking For Good."

"Excellent choice. Do you think we could still work out that mashup of Popular and One Short Day?"

He smiled a genuine smile now. "Are we turning into a certain vest-clad teacher, now plying his craft at The School That Shall Not Be Named?"

"Nah. I've been to Kurt Hummel fashion school, and there's no going back, babe. No sweater vests for me!"

"Or animal sweaters?" He teased back.

"Except for in December. And the reindeer sweater is only to be worn ironically," she said, wagging her finger at him, giving her best Kurt impression.

He giggled. "Says the unironic Jew. Well, I do think that mashup could work. Maybe. But for now, a duet sounds perfect."

"Our audience awaits," she nodded, pulling him back into the choir room. "Mustn't keep them waiting."

* * *

"You okay, kiddo?"

Kurt smiled weakly at his father. His dad maybe didn't always understand him, but he could always read his son's moods. When he'd come home in tears after the disaster at Scandals a few nights ago, his dad had been there to comfort him. They'd barely seen each other since then, Kurt trying hard to keep himself busy, and his friends had been happy to try to distract him.

"It just doesn't get easier," Kurt sighed. "So many things remind me of him, and now I've made all these plans to be here, and I just wonder if it's a mistake. But I can't give up yet." He turned back to chopping the onion for the chicken stir fry he'd started preparing, then put down his knife and turned to his father. "I don't know what to do next. I try to act like I'm okay, but it seems like I either want to cry, or I snap at people all the time."

Burt shook his head, settling into a chair. "And you sleep about as much as your old hamster. What was his name?"

"Black Ears," Kurt mumbled absently.

Burt thought his son's features looked even sharper than usual. He was young, still changing, he mused. Takes after his mom's side, he thought, remembering that his brother in law hadn't stopped growing taller until he was twenty. He wondered if Kurt was remembering to eat.

He couldn't help but compare the situation to that horrible autumn, when they'd broken up the first time. Kurt had been far away in every sense back then, angry at Blaine, refusing to admit how much he was hurting, refusing to talk to Blaine or even acknowledge his texts or gifts. He'd also refused to talk about it with him.

On the other hand, Burt had been alarmed when he'd checked on Blaine (which he'd done at Finn's request). Finn, whose heart was broken then too, had still been able to worry about both boys, believing they'd find their way back to each other eventually. Blaine had tried to avoid him at first. Later, he learned it was because the boy felt ashamed, angry with himself for hurting Kurt, and unworthy of care and attention, especially from Kurt's father.

Things didn't change until that awful morning at the hospital, when he'd learned of his cancer diagnosis. Carole had been great, but his heart sank, knowing he would have to tell Kurt, and guessing how that would go. He knew enough to believe the doctors' reassurances, but even still, he was surprised when Carole left to go talk to the receptionist to schedule his next test, that he'd managed to overhear what he did.

"_John Doe there still holding out?" He'd heard a nurse say to Christy, the hospital's social worker._

"_Yeah. I mean, he looks pretty young, but no one's reported him missing yet. Last night he was drunk and hypothermic. He's more stable today, so maybe we'll be able to get something out of him," the woman said with a sigh._

"_You could try calling the high school, see if a kid meeting his description is out unexcused," the nurse suggested._

_High school kid, Burt had heard. In some kind of trouble. His curiosity piqued, he'd wandered out to join them. "Couldn't help but overhear," he'd admitted. "I know lots of the guys at McKinley, what with football and Glee and fixing their cars all the time."_

He'd followed them down the hall to see if he could ID their patient. The slumbering, frail-looking boy in the hospital bed was indeed Blaine. Picked up on a freezing November night by a patrolman, wandering around the deserted park late at night in just a light sweater and button down shirt. Appearing to be drunk and disoriented, he'd been uncooperative but still easily taken in when the officer decided to arrest him and take him to the hospital. Among other things, he'd refused to give his name, and questioned loudly why they hadn't just left him out there to freeze in peace. When the doctors found out that his blood alcohol level wasn't really that high, and that his mental status was probably more the cold and exposure than alcohol, it became apparent that the boy might indeed have died of exposure if he hadn't been discovered (or gone home).

Blaine had finally accepted Burt's offer, to be there for him. Blaine had surprised him by insisting that he would take him to any of his appointments that Carole couldn't easily take him to, and they'd become closer than they were when Blaine was dating Kurt. The boy had seemed a lot better by Thanksgiving, and when he admitted to Burt that he and Kurt had finally talked, and that it had gone well, he'd been happy for both of them.

Until Kurt canceled Christmas. Deciding to stay in New York, saving for NYADA, he'd said. He and Carole had been sad, but Blaine was devastated. Carole couldn't get off enough time from work to go to New York for the holidays, but she urged him to go be with his son. When he'd asked him, Blaine said he was honored to be asked to go, but worried how it would be, since he and Kurt were still broken up. When he told his wife, she'd said quietly that she would handle it. And she did; telling Blaine that she didn't want Burt traveling alone, but that she couldn't go, and holding him to his promise to help him (since his cancer treatments left him exhausted, sometimes randomly), she'd talked him into it.

He'd kept close tabs on him since that day in the hospital, and he wondered how Kurt had reacted when he found out about it.

Shifting in his chair, and getting back to the present, he pitied his son. Blaine insisted that he was doing better now, he knew, after the disaster of this second breakup and flunking out of school. Burt had been shocked when the boy had started dating, but he got it. He agreed with Blaine, that people could change, and what could he say? Kurt was the one who'd broken it off, and after a rocky start, Blaine was seeing a good therapist, working at Dalton part time, and was trying to move on.

It didn't surprise him that his son had regrets. He didn't know all the details, but he suspected Kurt had blown up, said something he didn't mean to, but then couldn't take it back. They really were awfully young. He'd discouraged Blaine from proposing at first. Maybe he shouldn't have changed his mind.

"Dad?"

He looked up at his son's questioning eyes. "Yeah?"

Kurt smiled a sad smile. "You looked a little far away there." He paused, frowned, and looked at his father again. "You'll never guess who I heard from today," he said, with a sour tone.

Burt's brow furrowed as he matched his son's expression. "Okay. You know I hate guessing games, so just tell me."

"Cooper. Blaine's brother," he clarified.

"I remember," he sighed.

"He told me Blaine has a lot in common with Dave, and he told me to back off."

"Oh, son. C'mere," Burt murmured, reaching out to hold him. He hugged Kurt and shook his head again. That had to have been hard to hear. But he had to admit Cooper had a point. He felt his son's body shake a little, and knew he was crying.

"Dad, I don't even know what he's talking about!"

He held him and just let him cry, patting his back awkwardly. Kurt finally drew back and stood again.

"Well, you know, they've been through some rough times, both of them," he ventured.

"Right. Why are you telling me that?"

Burt studied his son's face. Kurt really did look confused. "Think of Dave Karofsky's worst days. You visited him," he prompted. Kurt continued to look like he just wasn't getting it. He didn't want to say it, certainly didn't want to play the blame game. Not knowing what else to do, he got up to change out of his work clothes. "Carole's leaving work about now. I'll go change, help you finish getting supper ready." He saw Kurt's nodded assent as he left the room.

He climbed the stairs wearily. How could Kurt be this dense? He'd had hours to think about this, it sounded like. He took a fast shower, then toweled off, getting ready to slip into old, comfy jeans and a flannel shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror, and his eyes narrowed. Blaine had promised to tell Kurt, months ago, after the engagement. He could tell Blaine had been reluctant to do it, maybe not wanting to drag any part of that unhappy time into the present. He wondered...

Kurt continued to gather and chop ingredients, moving around the kitchen robotically. He finally settled on _irritated_ for his state of mind. Why the hell didn't people understand why he didn't get the whole Karofsky thing? Cooper's call kept replaying in his head, nagging like a toothache. It pissed him off that his dad seemed to understand it more than he did.

* * *

Burt descended the stairs, hearing the clamor of dinner being made, louder than normal. He couldn't wait for Carole to get home, he thought; being with Kurt when he was in this state was exhausting, and he was glad for some backup.

He wasn't that surprised that when Blaine decided to move on, (no doubt with help from his therapist), he'd accepted Dave, someone who knew him and his past, but more importantly, someone who'd _survived_, and wouldn't judge him. That this same guy had some awful history with his own son stung; sure. But he'd talked to Paul Karofsky, who was about his own age, and remembered Kurt visiting Dave after his suicide attempt.

They'd both been stubborn after this breakup, he knew. Kurt (which didn't surprise anyone), but Blaine as well, who'd reacted with anger and hurt, and moved as fast as he could to distance himself from his son, eventually flunking out and retreating back to Ohio. Then silence on both ends, until Kurt came back. He'd said it was to give back, to help lead the Glee club, but he wasn't fooling anyone.

* * *

Kurt excused himself after giving up on picking at his plate. He was pissed as hell, and refused to believe Blaine's let's-be-adult-about-all-this talk. He picked up his phone, stabbed at the speed dial that still was attached to him, and waited.

"Hello?" Blaine's voice sounded quiet on the other end.

"Blaine? Are you alone?"

"I will be. Just give me a second."

Kurt waited as he heard indistinct background noise, then the sound of a door closing.

"All right. I am now," Blaine told him.

"I hope I'm not interrupting..." Kurt didn't even want to finish that thought.

"I was just with my parents, watching the news."

Kurt sighed. Blaine sounded guarded, and their conversation in Scandals (before he'd fled to go sob in the bathroom) hung in the air.

"I … I feel like I went about everything wrong. The other night," Kurt added. "Blaine, I'm so sorry, and I know we can fix this if we just -"

"Kurt," Blaine cut him off. "Don't," his voice was softer now. "I … I can't."

"Blaine! I love you."

"I..." Blaine's voice trailed off, as if he'd stopped himself. "But that wasn't enough before. I can't take another round..." The phone went silent, and Kurt waited to see what Blaine would say. "Kurt, I've got to go -"

"No! Don't do this. Please!"

"Kurt. I'm going to hang up. Take care."

Kurt stared in disbelief at his phone as the call ended. He recalled with irritation that this was now the second time that day that an Anderson had hung up on him. What the hell, he thought, as he found the number from earlier and hit Send.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah. I need to talk to you. I know what you said before, but I don't know why you said it."

"Did you try talking to him?" Cooper asked.

"Yes," he admitted. "It's like I'm watching a foreign film without subtitles." Kurt's eyes narrowed as he looked around his room, replaying the conversations first with Cooper, then his father. "I don't understand why you're warning me off," his voice broke then, "or why he won't talk to me. I mean, really talk. I know when he's hiding behind that Dalton boy mask, and I feel like I'm drowning. I can't give up, since I don't know why _he_ has!"

Cooper was quiet for a moment before answering. "Tell him. Tell him exactly that. Tell him that you both deserve that much," he said slowly. "Can you just wait a bit? I'm gonna call him first, okay?"

"You'd do that for me?" Kurt squeaked.

"Yes. Let him talk first, when he does call you."

"I can do that," he agreed.

"Good. Good night, Kurt."

"Good night, Coop. Thanks," he sniffed.

"It's all right. Bye."

Kurt blew his nose noisily and paced in his room, before giving up and slumping into his desk chair. He snatched his phone as soon as it rang.

"Blaine!"

"Kurt. Are you okay?"

He didn't know how to answer that; he didn't want to scare Blaine away, or just sound so wrecked he would feel the need to comfort him, not talk to him. He cleared his throat and stood and stretched. "Well, more okay now that I'm talking to you."

"I'll accept that," Blaine answered softly. "Can you meet me at the Lima Bean?"

"When?"

"Are you free now?"

"Absolutely," he said, without hesitation.

"Good. See you there. Drive safe," Blaine added, sounding more like his old boyfriend.

"Will do. You too." He held back the I love you lurking in his throat and glanced in the mirror. His eyes darted to his closet for a moment, before he decided to go as he was. Racing downstairs, he poked his head into the living room. "Dad? I need to go out."

"Sure. Keys are on the bookcase." He studied his son. "Everything all right?"

"I don't know. But I'm going to go see Blaine."

"Okay. Take it easy out there, it might be icing up already."

"I will dad. See you later." And he swooped down to give each of them a quick shoulder hug before hurrying out.

* * *

"Grande nonfat mocha," Blaine said with a shy smile, pushing the cup towards him as he slid into his seat.

"You know my coffee order," he replied with a smile, hands eagerly reaching to hold the hot cup.

"Of course I do," Blaine said, his voice velvety and low, sounding exactly like the old Blaine.

"Thanks," Kurt said, taking a sip.

Blaine nodded, drinking some of his own coffee. He reached his hands across the table to cover Kurt's with his own. "I'm sorry."

Kurt jerked his head up, his face puzzled. "Blaine?"

Blaine sighed deeply, looking down into his lap. When he looked up, he gazed at Kurt, his eyes pleading. "I had a promise I didn't keep." He exhaled nervously, then set his mouth in a thin line. He waited before going on. Kurt felt like he needed to remind himself to breathe. "To your dad. About you."

Kurt didn't know what to say, but didn't want to interrupt. He settled for freeing one hand so he could squeeze Blaine's.

"We didn't fix our problems when we got back together, after you said yes." Blaine's face flickered with the ghost of a smile, remembering that day, Kurt figured. He smiled back to encourage him, delivering another gentle hand squeeze. Blaine looked outside, looking pained now. "I wanted to tell you. I mean, I agreed that I should." His gaze returned back to Kurt's. "But I was too scared."

"Of what?" Kurt wondered aloud.

"That one day you'd see behind the image. That I wouldn't be good enough. That you'd..." his voice shifted, "that you'd stop loving me." Kurt watched him close his eyes, noticing the way his lashes fanned out, watching him breathe. He took his moment to answer.

"That's just it, though. I never did. I couldn't. Even when... after … after Eli … I still loved you. And I _need_ you. I'm so sorry -"

"I need to tell you," Blaine cut him off. "Can we go out to my car?"

"Of course," Kurt murmured, worried about Blaine now. But if Blaine was suggesting going somewhere more private, he reasoned, it probably also meant they'd really talk this time.

Kurt settled into the seat as he waited for Blaine to do the same. They both reached down at the same moment to place their coffees in the cup holder separating them, and they both chuckled a little at that.

Blaine told him. About the morning Burt had to identify him in the hospital, how desperate he'd been that fall. Why Burt had dragged him to New York, and how nervous he'd been that Kurt would reject him. Why he'd rushed to asking for a commitment after Kurt came back to Lima, feeling the need for the reassurance he was sure (at the time) being fiances would give him.

But that it wasn't enough. That fitting into New York life, Kurt's life, really, had been harder than he expected. That Kurt seemed distant at times, and that (he realized now, thanks to therapy) he'd responded by being clingier, trying harder to please him, never trusting that just _being_ would be enough. With the distraction that had been their circle of friends almost gone, arguments started to crop up, and became more heated and more frequent. That last one had felt like the fulfillment of all his worst case scenarios, and it broke him. Blaine explained that it just reinforced that it was good that he hadn't shared his secret, that even without that, he wasn't good enough, and never would be. He could not please Kurt, and he had to get away.

"My parents were disappointed that I flunked out," Blaine whispered through his tears. "But they took me back. Cooper came back to see me, and we talked about everything. But he convinced me, finally, that I needed help. He was right," Blaine admitted, "and when the Warblers needed a new coach, Wes made sure I knew about it. And Coop and my parents encouraged me to take it. My therapist agreed with them."

"Your happy place," Kurt nodded, wiping at his own face.

"My _safe_ place," Blaine corrected him. "I was able to function there, start to breathe. We weren't talking, and I thought maybe we never would." He sighed. "Enter Dave. Like I told you, I bumped into him at Scandals, my first night out since deciding to see if the world still worked or not. And he was … good." Blaine reached for his coffee and drank silently. "He got it. How close I'd come. To giving it all up." He looked at Kurt directly. "It was the first time I ever really admitted to anyone that I'd been suicidal, after our first breakup, and that I'd come close to it again, the second time. Except this time around, my family knew, your dad knew, and they made sure I wasn't alone much, and made sure I got help."

"If I'd known about all this..." Kurt trailed off.

"Don't go there," Blaine warned. "It's not your fault I held back. That's on me."

"So, where do we go from here?" Kurt turned to him, his eyes full of hope. "I do love you." He reached over to hold both of Blaine's hands in his. "You've always been good enough. More than good enough. Don't ever believe otherwise."

Blaine looked down at his feet. "Thank you. I'm trying to believe that. But," he sighed, "I don't know if we can make it work." He looked outside, clamping his eyes shut.

Kurt watched him, trying to guess his thoughts. "Thank you." Blaine turned to him, questioning him with lifted brows. "For trusting me enough to tell me." He took a deep breath. "It takes a lot of strength to do that."

"I should have done it a long time ago." Blaine paused. "But even back then, I didn't want it to look like I was blaming you for my actions. Or have you stay with me for pity. I'm sorry."

"I meant what I said, at Scandals. I want you back. So much."

Kurt watched a tear slide down Blaine's cheek, and reached up to wipe it away.

"I know. I need a little time." Blaine kissed Kurt's hand before returning it to his lap. "Will you wait for me?"

"As long as it takes," Kurt whispered back.

**A/N: This is me, writing after a long hiatus. I'm finding the Blaineofsky storyline to be better than I thought it would be. And it got me to thinking, what could be behind Blaine's refusal at Scandals? This was where that took me. In the end, I do believe in our boys. I also agree that they would need a little time to get there. Many thanks to UConnHusky90 for vetting this story.**

**If you've gotten to this point, I'd love to hear your thoughts; if you have questions, ask me anything. For readers who are not new to my writing, I'll be updating Ain't Never Had A Friend Like Me and When I Get You Alone, Babe! Soon. Thanks for reading!**


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